Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Breath in. Breath out. Sip. Repeat.

Hot tea is a beautiful thing.
All of this boils down to a joke i heard from a movie.
The joke is at the end of the blog.

Have you ever felt like you know exactly who
you are on the inside, but the outside doesn't reflect
it in the slightest?
Not to sound like an angsty teenager,
but I've been having a lot of life problems lately.
More with the way I feel about myself than
the way things are going.
But then again with one manly exception
I haven't really been happy with the way things
are going either.
I feel like I'm getting no where with my jobs.
I feel like my outside doesn't reflect what's on the inside.
I guess I just feel like I'm having an early life crisis.

It really hurts me to admit all this to people.
But the reason I started this blog was to write about
things that were really important to
me and be able to share whatever it was
I was feeling with whoever cared.
This blog isn't private cause I feel like I don't have
anything to hide.
So as much as it hurts me to admit it, it's part of
life and no one can be strong and together
all the time.

So when talking to a good friend, she told me to
write down everything I had a problem
with and then write down a way to fix them.
She's very smart.

I always pictured myself playing the guitar.

In fact I think about it on a fairly regular basis.
I have a beautiful cedar baby acoustic guitar that sits
in the corner of my room.
That's almost all it does, is sit.
I'll pick it up every once in a while when I really
get the urge to change my life, but I don't have the discipline
to ACTUALLY change my life.
So after a few days it begins to collect dust once again.
Reason #1 I want to change - discipline myself enough
to do the things I strive to do.

I want to be good to my body.

For what it is, I am proud of my body.
But the only reason I'm not 200lbs is because I
was blessed with good genes.
After a certain point though, just having good genes
isn't enough.
I'm starting to notice my horrible eating habits
and lack of exercise is taking it's toll on my body.
This for sure falls under the category of
not having discipline.

Again I have a yoga mat that sits in my closet
day after day without use.
Like my guitar, I pull it out maybe once a month
for a few days, but that's it.
It just won't stick.
I don't know what else to write on this subject.
Just do it.

I need the time to soul search.

The last recognizable problem I have is that
I have no time or space to do some real soul searching,
and really
get down to the bottom of things.
For as long as I can remember
I've never been alone. I've never had even
a week to be alone to deal with myself.
Be it at home with mom and dad, with a guy,
or with various roommates.
For once I feel like I'm in a healthy relationship
with a boy.
We don't see each other all the time and it really
gives me some much needed me time.
But even with that I am not alone.
I need to get to the bottom of my resent feelings
and to really find myself.
Good luck to me.

This blog was not for the faint of heart.
It was long, kind of corny, and I don't expect
everyone to finish it.
For the ones that did, thanks.
I'm overly aware that my problems are minuscule
in comparison to other people and
there are plenty of people in the world that would
take my life over their own any day.
Just venting about how I feel.

"I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery." Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket."
- Eat. Pray. Love.


  1. I enjoy reading your blogs (and you always have good pictures with it) I hope you do everything you want and find the motivation for it. I'd like to play the violin and I'd like to do yoga but I feel like you have to be thin to even start haha.

    I hope living on your own works out as well. I know a few people that live alone and grow to hate it, but everyone is different so good luck to you miss!

  2. Thanks katie! I really enjoy reading your blogs too. I just had the realization today that people actually read this lol. The way I am makes me think that I can do it. I'm very private and I've lived alone my whole life up until a few years ago since I was an only child, so I think it will be really good for me. Hope to see you later tonight!

  3. thanks, mine are kinda boring day to day stuff but it's nice to get things out regardless. I suppose being an only child would prepare you for that. I wouldn't mind living alone but I'm a chicken shit. Sorry I wasn't at fox, Steve has been mad busy with work then gets pooped out.